Saturday, 22 November 2014

i could've been someone to you

I watched "Almost Famous" for the first time a couple of months ago and I really liked it.
Last weekend I finished writing a set of short stories about teenagers in a British suburban neighbourhood (ya because I'm a teenager living in a British suburban neighbourhood, you guessed it.) If you would like a copy of the seven stories then please email me ( Here's a preview from one of them:

Callum looked into the man’s face. No, he wasn’t that old. Perhaps fifteen years older than Callum himself. Callum wondered if he had a wife or children, and if he was happy. He wondered if he had ever experience heartbreaking unrequited love and if he ever got over it. Perhaps he still thinks about the object of his affections now when his wife’s away and he’s feeling lonely. Does he look back fondly or is it still so painfully real that he has to get drunk to suppress the memory? Callum wondered if Evan had ever fucked up his life as bad as he had. He wondered if Evan was as selfish as he was. Instead of letting out any such thoughts, Callum thought it best not to invite any unnecessary closeness, so maintained the detached exterior, “So you’re a shrink now?” Callum said.

When I was in Portugal I read the brilliant "Women of the Beat Generation" by Brenda Knight. The poetry and prose was so dreamy and typically stream-of-conscious Beat style. However, the many of the women's life stories were really tragic. I related to a lot of the lives and works of these women in some cases simply because they were women. A particularly tragic life story was that of Elise Cowen who was in love with Allen Ginsberg but he loved Peter Orlovsky. Cowen's mental health began to deteriorate and she was constantly plagued with paranoia. At 28 years old she took her own life. This is believed to be her last poem, seeming eerily like a suicide note:

No love
No compassion
No intelligence
No beauty
No humility
Twenty-seven years is enough
Mother – too late – years of meanness – I’m sorry
Daddy – What happened?
Allen – I’m sorry
Peter – Holy Rose Youth
Betty – Such womanly bravery
Keith – Thank you
Joyce – So girl beautiful
Howard – Baby take care
Leo – Open the windows and Shalom
Carol – Let it happen
Let me out now please –
Please let me in.
So much of literature is male dominated and reading about women writers actually has a psychological effect that makes me feel more comfortable about being a female writer because it is inspiring to have role models who share a more similar life to you/that you imagine yourself having in the future. 

I have been rewatching a lot of "Skins" lately. I watched the first two series in just over a week and now I'm half way through the third. I tend to do most of my homework in free periods at school so when I get home it's like SKINS YAAASS. When I first watched it it sort of annoyed me how party/drug/sex orientated it was because I felt that I couldn't really relate to that lifestyle. It's known for being over exaggerated, which Eleanor wrote about in Issue 5 of Pretty DRAMA AND DORIAN GRAY, so most teenagers probably can't. However, having watched Palo Alto and written a bunch of short stories about teens, I find that I can emotionally relate a lot more. This is something I wrote in my journal recently: 

I always end up feeling sorry for the characters that morally represent everything I hate. They are the sort of people that I would hate to be around in real life and I'd feel embarrassed or ashamed to admit to people how much a empathise with them. I wonder if it makes me a bad person, or if it makes me a good person with a great capacity for empathy, but lately I've been feeling it's the formerI end up feeling the most sorry for Cook in "Skins" and Fred in "Palo Alto" even though they're both assholes. I think that's because their struggle to figure out what life is, who they etc etc is so intense. I'm sure it could be argued that they're both just emotionally underdeveloped sexist assholes, but there are definitely signs of them being more complex than that. I think there's a reckless, selfish part to everyone and sometimes I lie in bed at night thinking about what would happen if that part of me took over and it frightens me because that isn't ME, but I've thought it, so it must be. 

I spent a lot of last year and the beginning of this year isolating myself from everyone else because they could never ever possibly understand the plight of my adolescence cry cry angst angst but this year I pay much more attention to the people I'm around because this time next year I'll be around new people and we'll all be trying to at least pretend to be a little more like adults. 
I tried to explore a number of different personalities (some likeable, many not) in Concrete Narratives; especially the first one which was in this issue of Cherry.

It also relates to last month's Rookie theme, The Other: in particular, Krista's article, "Monstro(us)"

Last night I had the first sleep over I've had for ages. We watched "Palo Alto" and "Skins" but mostly sat on my bed listening to this playlist and Pure Heroine, talking about the future, uni, BOYS, friendship, hot teachers etc. It was lovely and it seemed like we were sitting in pink light which felt ethereally like we were somewhere where these things didn't really matter.

This is what I wore today:

thrifted shirt, primark jewellery and pearls that were a gift, new look skirt, m&s tights
A few more photos from my holiday in Portugal last month: 

I've rewatched "Palo Alto" twice in the last couple of weeks. Although I liked it straight away, I was not really struck by its powerful relevance and overall beauty until I watched it for the second time. Now, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so glad that it came out just before I began my last ever year at school because it matches the vibes of this year seamlessly which translates as me doing things simply because they seem very "Palo Alto."

husband gooaaallls um what
Pretty's Spring/Summer 2015 review issue has now been out for around a month. You can email me for a free PDF copy. Alternatively, you can have a free paper copy with any other paper copy of Pretty that you purchase from my Etsy.  

Now I'm off to the fun fair in town ohmygod woohoo!!! There will definitely be photos from it posted next weekend. Hope you all have a good rest of the weekend.

have a "my webcam is terrible nd i haven't used it since 2011 but i'm happy bc i'm going to the fun fair tho my hair is a mess" selfie xoxo

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

blue light

blue light

Blue light underneath my eyes
Blue light between the clouds
Breathless whispers, weary sighs
Blue vision my mind shrouds.

Blue flowers open up their eyes
Stare into my pale soul
Pale blue tears from pale blue cries
Would another make me whole?

Blue shades shut out the silver light
Blue shadows frame an ending
Thrust upon a morn blue bright
A new blue thought descending. 

lazy inspo post because this week is busy and blue is a pretty colour.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

hiding from the rainfall

This morning I finished reading Tennessee Williams' memoirs. I loved them but it made me sad because I would have very much liked to write to Tennessee Williams if he was still alive. I thought that of the women I read about in "Women of the Beat Generation." It's my own fault, I suppose, for tending to read books by/about the dead. However, I am also reading "How I Live Now" at the moment and I got the chance to speak briefly to Meg Rosoff in person a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps I'll write a letter to her.

Nothing of much consequence happened this week, but last night I finally watched Kill Your Darlings, which I did enjoy though I was slightly disappointed by it. That's probably because I had wanted to see it for so long, but I didn't particularly like its portrayal of the early days of the Beat Generation. There wasn't one character that I was particularly fond of, even though Dane DeHaan is hot as Lucien Carr and Allen Ginsberg is bae. I complain but there were some great parts and I still recommend that you watch it.

Today I wore a faux fur scarf that was a gift, Primark chain necklace, thrifted dress, belt from Portugal and Rocketdog shoes. I look like I'm going out to a posh restaurant but really I just went to the library to run the arts and crafts club.
In the below outfit that I wore in Portugal, I am wearing River Island sunglasses, Republic top, dungarees that were a gift and Nike Air Force 1s.

Defacing books usually makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, but every time I pick up my copy of "Wuthering Heights" another cluster of pages falls out so I didn't see the trouble is tearing out the page with one of my favourite passages on it and sticking it in my journal. I bought the sheet music from a charity shop, the other images on the right hand page are from Pop magazine.

From an editorial in Hunger magazine, quotes from my tumblr written onto post-it note paper, photo from Rookie meet up October 2013. Bookmark that I got when I bought a couple of books at Shakespeare & Co. in Paris last year in the summer, extract from "The Second Coming" by Yeats.

I hope you all have a good weekend! Here is some music I've been listening to lately: